Breaking Patterns

I'm sure many have felt this way at one time or another, when you feel trapped in a vicious cycle in your life and no matter how hard you try you can't seem to get out. Is it that you just don't try hard enough? Or is it a certain lesson you have to learn til you finally get over the hurdle then become better for it?

There are two major recurring themes in my life, which I've dealt with for years, one much longer than the other but both equally difficult in very different ways. So much time spent agonizing why I keep on repeating the same mistake over and over again and wondering why there seemed no end in sight, why I let it happen --- because in the end there was no one to blame but myself.

Lo and behold through the course of this year things changed. I want to kid myself and say that I finally got the discipline, the initiative to take control, but that wasn't the case. It just happened. Ok maybe there were signs that I was going down a better path already, but seeing how I've taken the high road before and veered off, its still amazing how I finally have come to see the light! Someone up there must like me.

I'm not actually writing this because I'm happy, its to pick myself up because I'm sad. Though what's happening is extremely good for me, its sooo hard to let go. Its an uphill struggle. I find myself wanting to go back down the road because its so much easier and comfortable back there.

Breaking a bad pattern is very hard. But its always for the best. Think I've won the battle, this is my pep talk to win the war. Wish me luck!

Ok now I'm just gonna crawl back under that rock where I've been for the past few days. Estimate resurfacing this weekend.