I'm sure many have felt this way at one time or another, when you feel trapped in a vicious cycle in your life and no matter how hard you try you can't seem to get out. Is it that you just don't try hard enough? Or is it a certain lesson you have to learn til you finally get over the hurdle then become better for it?
There are two major recurring themes in my life, which I've dealt with for years, one much longer than the other but both equally difficult in very different ways. So much time spent agonizing why I keep on repeating the same mistake over and over again and wondering why there seemed no end in sight, why I let it happen --- because in the end there was no one to blame but myself.
Lo and behold through the course of this year things changed. I want to kid myself and say that I finally got the discipline, the initiative to take control, but that wasn't the case. It just happened. Ok maybe there were signs that I was going down a better path already, but seeing how I've taken the high road before and veered off, its still amazing how I finally have come to see the light! Someone up there must like me.
I'm not actually writing this because I'm happy, its to pick myself up because I'm sad. Though what's happening is extremely good for me, its sooo hard to let go. Its an uphill struggle. I find myself wanting to go back down the road because its so much easier and comfortable back there.
Breaking a bad pattern is very hard. But its always for the best. Think I've won the battle, this is my pep talk to win the war. Wish me luck!
Ok now I'm just gonna crawl back under that rock where I've been for the past few days. Estimate resurfacing this weekend.
Wednesday, June 29, 2005
Tuesday, June 21, 2005
Visit to the friendly neighborhood manghuhula
Hello. My name is Sheila, and I'm a fortuneteller-holic.
Granted, that may not be the correct term for someone who makes it a point to see a fortuneteller at least once a year, but its a tad more than those who totally disavow fortunetelling due to moral or "i don't believe in that nonsense" types of reasons. Not that I do believe in fortunetelling--- honestly it appeals to my vanity more than anything. You pay someone to tell you about yourself for about an hour, so its almost like getting pampered by a visit to the hairstylist or the spa. If the good stuff comes true, then that's great! If you get dire warnings about your fate, well, you can never be too careful anyway. I still carry that anting-anting that helps me avoid unfortunate air travel incidents, given to me by yet another fortuneteller about 2 years ago. So far, its worked, hahaha.
My friendly Timog-residing fortuneteller Tara seems to be more on the nose about me than others I've visited. Perhaps I also felt overwhelming acceptance of her reading because she seems to envision so much money and luck showering on me down the line. But then her cards just unify a theme I heard earlier this year from another seer (ok ok this is my 2nd trip down future lane). The message is: Don't worry. You're going to get what you want in life.
An arrogant stance towards life, many might say, but who doesn't need that boost of confidence now and then? Especially during days when one feels so tired, or times when you're simply just down with the blues. So in defense of the entire crystal-ball experience, not only is it entertaining, it builds character too!
Ok enough, enough, I just actually wanted to write down this entry to remember what she said, and see if anything does come true someday. Here goes:
1. I'm very intimidating person. Even people who don't have bad intentions towards me get intimidated. Geez I wonder how she figured that out--- I hadn't opened my big trap to her THAT much yet.
2. I should beware of people who envy what I have, since I have so much. I seem to attract "inggiteras". Hmm, are they envious of my 6 dogs? I'm willing to give them away, since they're just too much!
3. Before the end of the month, I'll be getting some extra cash that starts with an "odd" number--- 1,3,5,7, or 9. This is beyond my regular income. Funny enough I'm hoping for something like this, but not expecting. Oh no. Now I'm expecting.
4. September will be my best month this year in ALL aspects of my life.
5. I'll make a good personal decision about my (love)life this year, and its something I won't regret.
6. Relatives from abroad will visit me this year for a happy occasion. Considering I hardly have relatives, I wait for the fulfillment of this one with bated breath.
7. I'll be taking a short trip, and a long trip soon. The long trip I may decide to delay til next year but it will happen within the year. Now the short trips are too be expected, but the long trip? Could that be my best friend's wedding? Funny enough I was deciding whether I should go this year or next.
8. I work hard for it, but I shouldn't worry because I'll never run out of money. Oooh time to break out the credit cards--- I'm kidding!
9. Level Up will be successful..beyond my wildest expectations. How fab!
10. Soon after my long trip, I'll get an offer I won't be able to refuse that will prompt me to live abroad even if its not in my plans right now. Paris here I come.
11. I've weathered 2 storms in my life, and the people who caused those storms are drowning in karma. Not exactly sure what this refers to, but a nice thought (although I supposedly have never wished anything bad on people who've done me wrong--- also a nice thought.)
12. If I were to list down 10 things I wanted to do with my life, I'd be able to accomplish 7 of them within the next 2 years (up to June 2006). Again, a very positive thought. Time to start listing!
Granted, that may not be the correct term for someone who makes it a point to see a fortuneteller at least once a year, but its a tad more than those who totally disavow fortunetelling due to moral or "i don't believe in that nonsense" types of reasons. Not that I do believe in fortunetelling--- honestly it appeals to my vanity more than anything. You pay someone to tell you about yourself for about an hour, so its almost like getting pampered by a visit to the hairstylist or the spa. If the good stuff comes true, then that's great! If you get dire warnings about your fate, well, you can never be too careful anyway. I still carry that anting-anting that helps me avoid unfortunate air travel incidents, given to me by yet another fortuneteller about 2 years ago. So far, its worked, hahaha.
My friendly Timog-residing fortuneteller Tara seems to be more on the nose about me than others I've visited. Perhaps I also felt overwhelming acceptance of her reading because she seems to envision so much money and luck showering on me down the line. But then her cards just unify a theme I heard earlier this year from another seer (ok ok this is my 2nd trip down future lane). The message is: Don't worry. You're going to get what you want in life.
An arrogant stance towards life, many might say, but who doesn't need that boost of confidence now and then? Especially during days when one feels so tired, or times when you're simply just down with the blues. So in defense of the entire crystal-ball experience, not only is it entertaining, it builds character too!
Ok enough, enough, I just actually wanted to write down this entry to remember what she said, and see if anything does come true someday. Here goes:
1. I'm very intimidating person. Even people who don't have bad intentions towards me get intimidated. Geez I wonder how she figured that out--- I hadn't opened my big trap to her THAT much yet.
2. I should beware of people who envy what I have, since I have so much. I seem to attract "inggiteras". Hmm, are they envious of my 6 dogs? I'm willing to give them away, since they're just too much!
3. Before the end of the month, I'll be getting some extra cash that starts with an "odd" number--- 1,3,5,7, or 9. This is beyond my regular income. Funny enough I'm hoping for something like this, but not expecting. Oh no. Now I'm expecting.
4. September will be my best month this year in ALL aspects of my life.
5. I'll make a good personal decision about my (love)life this year, and its something I won't regret.
6. Relatives from abroad will visit me this year for a happy occasion. Considering I hardly have relatives, I wait for the fulfillment of this one with bated breath.
7. I'll be taking a short trip, and a long trip soon. The long trip I may decide to delay til next year but it will happen within the year. Now the short trips are too be expected, but the long trip? Could that be my best friend's wedding? Funny enough I was deciding whether I should go this year or next.
8. I work hard for it, but I shouldn't worry because I'll never run out of money. Oooh time to break out the credit cards--- I'm kidding!
9. Level Up will be successful..beyond my wildest expectations. How fab!
10. Soon after my long trip, I'll get an offer I won't be able to refuse that will prompt me to live abroad even if its not in my plans right now. Paris here I come.
11. I've weathered 2 storms in my life, and the people who caused those storms are drowning in karma. Not exactly sure what this refers to, but a nice thought (although I supposedly have never wished anything bad on people who've done me wrong--- also a nice thought.)
12. If I were to list down 10 things I wanted to do with my life, I'd be able to accomplish 7 of them within the next 2 years (up to June 2006). Again, a very positive thought. Time to start listing!
Friday, June 10, 2005
Birthday Non-Celebration
I guess my friends know me so well that they know a major
occasion with beer and food (tons of barbecue my favorite!) would only
get even better with a round of VIDEOKE!
Kudos to Jake for the brilliant idea, Joie for helping out, and everyone
who contributed (even if I know it was half Jake's taray factor that made you pitch in the pot)... I had planned a simple, informal, birthday
"non-celebration" in the hopes that my 29th birthday would slip by so
quietly no one would notice I was a year older. But what I got was contributions of more barbecue, palabok, liquor and cigarettes that I
was extremely giddy with well-being and gratitude.
And for entertainment, nothing can beat my singers, whether they be
from Level Up (Moonie, Mon, Jake, Vanessa--future pop sensation,
Teresa, Lexi, Oneil, Pat, Jose, Pau, Ben), other friends (Gigi, Pao, Tey),
and family (my sister Deepa's rare moments of singing solo pop).
Of course the night wasn't complete without me torturing everyone with
renditions of my usual videoke fare (Sweet Child of Mine, Bitch,
Crazy For You) and an attempt to sing "Love Moves in Mysterious Ways" (eek!). Happily enough since it was my birthday, guests had to
applaud enthusiastically.
Aside from a good sprinkling of people from my LU family (IT, BRG,
Marketing, Creative, Prod Dev, Finance were all represented),
there was also special effort from friends outside the office
to be there (Ainee, Marj, Gigi, Trish, Pao, Momentum ppl).
All in all, the "non-celebration" was a good look of aspects in my
life that I love --- friends from all over, food, beer, great conversations
(if slightly drunk), videoke, hanging out at 6.5.
It was so fulfilling I almost felt like I was 30, which is usually
what one would deem to be the next big milestone in one's life----
but thank goodness I'm not yet there. According to this energy reader I met
some time ago (yes that's me, fortuneteller junkie), my spirit guides think
I'm on track. It might have been BS, but I feel it to be true somehow.
However, I may have gotten my head screwed on better in the past year of my
growth, but there's so much to learn yet. And that's the exciting part.
Blog template credits: To Diwa thank you very much for this fabulous blog template which depicts one of my favorite shots of the white island/sandbar which rises up in low tide across the shores of Camiguin Island.
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