Growing Up

I've been living alone for exactly 13 days doing grown up stuff like cleaning the house, throwing out my own trash, remembering to switch off all the lights and outlets before I leave the house, and cooking gourmet delights for myself such as tortang talong, tuna casserole, and beef steak with rice. Its so different having to remember things because no one else will pick up after you or do things for you. But all that didn't make me feel as grown up as my recent decision regarding a guy I was seeing before I left Manila.

I finally made up my mind about what I wanted while I was here. When I found out something extremely disappointing he did, I confronted him about it. And when he told me he wasn't ready but offered to still continue our friendship, I decided to let go for my peace of mind.

The old me would have kept quiet, kept on slugging it out until I got beaten down by my own false expectations. But it seems like this new me would like to get what I deserve, all or nothing. One of the toughest decisions I've ever made, certainly a sad one, but definitely I'm proud of myself for making it. It also helped that this guy was a good friend and I could be totally honest with him (and he was willing to listen), but that teaches me a lesson too, about becoming friends with someone I'm seeing instead of putting them on some sort of pedestal where you only show your best side.

I travel to and from work every day for a total of 90 minutes and this song always plays on the radio...definitely cheesy but pretty apt:

Big Girls Don't Cry
Fergie

The smell of your skin lingers on me now
You're probably on your flight back to your home town
I need some shelter of my own protection baby
Be with myself in center, clarity
Peace, serenity

The path that I'm walkin, I must go alone
I must take the baby steps 'til I'm full grown, full grown
Fairy tales don't always have a happy ending do they?
And I forsee the dark ahead if I stay

Like a little school mate in a school yard,
We'll play jacks and Uno cards
I'll be your best friend
And you'll be my Valentine
Yes you can hold my hand if you want to
Cause I wanna hold yours too
We'll be playmates and lovers and share our secret world
But it's time for me to go home
It's getting late dark outside
I need to be with myself in center,
Clarity, peace, serenity

I hope you knowI hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It's personal
Myself and I
We got some straigtening out to do
And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I've got to get a move on with my life
It's time to be a big girl now
Big girls don't cry
Don't cry, don't cry, don't cry